The Holidays are Stressful - Some Coping Ideas

The holidays are stressful: There are presents to be purchased, crowded stores, extra traffic, financial burdens and social obligations. While experiencing the death of a loved one, this seasonal stress can be greatly magnified.

Death brings about many changes that will affect the holidays. Perhaps your loved one always carved the turkey or was the voice of cheer at your celebrations. You will find that patterns and rituals will be different this holiday season. There will be an empty chair at the table. Holiday cards may not have their usual cheery message, and how do you sign them?  Even if people think they have been “doing well” with the death, the holidays can reactivate their grief as they are forced to acknowledge the extent of their loss.

Here are some ideas that can help reduce the stress and ease some of the emotional pain this season may bring.

1.       Slow down – you don’t have to go to every celebration, office party or family event. You definitely do not have to accomplish every single item that is normally on your holiday “to do” list. Do only what is special and meaningful to you.

2.       Find someone safe to talk to – you need safe people who will listen and hear during this time. Choose supportive people to be around.

3.   Tell the truth about your feelings - Its okay to express how you feel. When asked how you are doing, put it into words, "I'm feeling lonely right now" "I don't feel like talking" "Today is a hard day for me" Its okay not to be okay.

4.       Take care of yourself physically – drink plenty of water, get sleep and make healthy choices. It is important to keep your strength while grieving.

5.       Lean on your faith – remember to touch base with your source of spirituality. It will bring you comfort and support during this time. Talk to others in your place of worship, ask them to keep you in their prayers. Being with a group of people who believe as you do can be very supportive.

6.       Remember to remember- Acknowledge the person who died. Write them a card, get them a gift, light a candle, honor the relationship in your own special way.

7.   Learn to say No! - Some people struggle with saying "No, I'm sorry, I just can do the party" or dinner or whatever, "this year." If people are not listening when you say "no" be honest with them. See #3. 

8.   Pamper yourself - Take extra time for you. If you deplete your energy you will have less strenght to handle the days ahead. Take a bath, take a nap, go for a long walk. Just take time for you!

...and remember, The only way to take grief out of death is to take love out of life - Shelle

Family Memorial Mortuary http://www.familymemorialservices.com/

If I Could Just Talk to my Grandmother Again...

Today I'm thinking of my grandmother. She was a complex woman, not always able to open up about how she was feeling. Towards the end of her life we started talking about her childhood and some of the things she had experienced as a youth in the 20's and a newly married in the 30"s. We were able to share some great stories and I even have her recorded on tape so I can hear her voice. My mother tells me that those stories might not all be true. I've come to find out my grandmother liked to exaggerate! 

I wish she was still here, there are stories she didn't get a chance to tell and family pictures she didn't put a name to. I think I could learn much from her in these lean times; she experienced worse than this, survived and thrived.

I've been keeping a journal lately, one that explores the things I'm studying and learning and my relationships with others. Please consider starting a journal to "work out" the things that are bothering you. It can be especially helpful if you have unsaid words with someone who has passed on.

According to http://www.stress.about.com/ , Journaling is a term coined for the practice of keeping a diary or journal that explores thoughts and feelings surrounding the events of your life. Journaling, as a stress management and self-exploration tool, is not the same as simply recording the happenings in your life, like keeping a log. To be most helpful, you must write in detail about feelings and cognitions related to stressful events.

You may find it helpful to “sort out” your thoughts about your loved one by writing a letter to the person who died.

The things that are bothering you the most are excellent ideas to journal about. It helps connect you to the messages coming from your heart.

Express your thoughts and feelings about:

• A special memory that I have about you…
   
• What I miss the most about you and our relationship…
   
• What I wish I had said or had not said…
   
• What I’d like to ask you…
   
• What I wish we’d done or had not done…
   
• What I have had the hardest time dealing with…
   
• Ways in which you will continue to live on in me…
   
• Special ways I have for keeping my memories of you alive…

Choose one or several ideas that are important to you or start at the top of the list and work your way down. These topics may help you come up with ideas specific to your situation and relationship.

...and Grandma - Today I'd like to ask how you managed to raise 8 children and stay sane!

Remember - The only way to take grief out of death, is to take love out of life - Shelle
Family Memorial Mortuary http://www.familymemorialservices.com/

Then Comes a Holiday

Life must go on
And the dead be forgotten;
Life must go on,
Though good men die;
Anne eat your breakfast;
Dan take your medicine;
Life must go on;
I just forget why.
                    - Edna St. Vincent Millay

Then comes a holiday and the whole world wants to lay aside all else and have joy and celebrations and gifts and lights and you want to scream, "Not Yet! Are you forgetting the loss of my lifetime? How can I be happy and celebrate, this is still too new!"

In the words of Doug Manning: It is all right not to enjoy Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Hanukkah this year. There will be other years. The world will still stand if one season of holidays is missed. It's all right to be the Grinch that stole the holiday this year.

What about the children? There are always friends who want to help. Let them do the shopping. Next year you can make it up to the children, they will survive. Next year you can begin to understand the holidays from your new view point.

For more thoughts on Holiday survival see Thoughts for the Holidays: Finding Permission to Grieve by Doug Manning. In-Sight Books, 2001 http://www.insightbooks.com/

Family Memorial Mortuary - The only way to take grief out of death is to take love out of life.

When Families Grieve

I read an article today by Kristan Dean. She asked what I was doing to help children in my community who are grieving. She's right, there are so many children who are struggling with loss and heartache. It could be loss of a family member or friend, it could be loss of home because of family financial situations. Especially at the beginning of the holiday season, I think we should all be aware that the children in our life might need some extra attention. One way I can help is to make you aware of the services that are available for children.

Kristan's article shares a wonderful website from the creators of Sesame Street. "When Families Grieve" has two programs. The first helps military children "dealing with the worst-case senario: a parent who doesn't return at all. " The second, for "nonmilitary families who have experienced the death of a parent due to illness, suicide, accidents or other sudden or natural causes."  Please visit www.sesameworkshop.org/grief for more information and share the message of the Muppets with a child who needs it.

Death is a subject people do not want to talk about. According to Parker Palmer in Let Your Life Speak - "We live in a culture that just does not want to talk about dying. We need to remember, when you boil down all the great wisdom traditions, they say the same thing: BE NOT AFRAID! They don't say you can't have fear, because we all have fears. But they say you don't have to be your fears, and you don't have to create a world in which those fears dominate." 

Remember - The only way to take grief out of death, is to take love out of life. - Shelle